To put my problem in simple terms (and help everyone, including me, remember where we left off), I have a relatively newly formed spiritual foundation over there, but my life is currently built up over here away from it. I see two important questions I need to answer in the course of writing this piece:
1. Why aren’t I building my life up on that foundation?
2. What do I need to do to move my life onto that foundation?
Since I started writing this second part, I’ve taken a bit of action in the real world and done a lot of thinking away from the keyboard. As a result, I think I’ve already worked out an answer to the first question and it’s a stunningly simple one. I’m not building on the foundation because it’s not fully formed yet. Of course that answer just begs the question of why hasn’t it solidified?
In part it’s because I have very wrongheadedly been nervous about being open about what I now believe. See my beliefs fall under the heading of Baptist. (Now before you start phoning up the proverbial men in white coats, at least take a look at the wikipedia article on Baptists. The perception and in some cases practice of Baptist doctrine has been skewed by, among others, the Southern Baptist Convention. So what you think it means to be Baptist is likely wrong. In fact the sermon at the church to which I went on Sunday covered that exact topic.) That nervousness has held me back from fully embracing and building up this new base. I realized though in starting to write about my efforts that those of you who are really my friends may question me about this path or even think you should call the asylum, but you’ll know that a lot of thinking has gone into this decision and will at least support my freedom to make this choice if not the choice itself. (I’ve got one friend who likely still believes I made this choice because of her, but, like me, she can be too egocentric at times.)
So now that I’ve gotten past caring what anyone else thinks about my faith, is there anything holding me back from firming up that faith (which is clearly the first part of the answer to question number two) so that it can be the basis of my life? I don’t think so. For years I avoided settling on a single set of beliefs because I thought the search was of primary import and that once you embrace a religion the game was over. Over the past year, however, I’ve come to understand that after the choice comes the process of understanding and doing; understanding the meaning and implications of your faith and doing by putting it into practice. Both are as much of a struggle as the search itself was. So avoiding making a choice was the only other thing holding me back. (Not making a choice is of course making a choice and, I believe now, the wrong choice.)
So, I’m not building on my faith because it’s not strong enough yet to support my life. To ground my life on my faith, I need to first strengthen it. I’ve gotten past my self imposed obstacles and have now found the tools I need to take that step. As for what I need to do after I’ve firmed up my belief, that part of the answer will have to wait for a third part sometime down the line.