Ok, CNN. I was going to let your transformation from the Cable News Network into the Celebrity News Network go without comment (in large part because I knew as soon as I let myself discuss any celebrity gossip here, even obliquely, I’d have to break out the brillo pad and scrub myself down). I kept checking on you though, hoping it was just a phase or peer pressure. Then I see this story about Kevin Federline setting up an emergency court hearing which still wouldn’t have provoked me, except then I see that you really have lost what little sense Ted Turner gave you.
It was not known what issue Federline planned to raise.
Really? Is it really, as you also put it, “unclear”? You spend ridiculous amounts of copy, enough to keep textually starving African children reading for weeks, covering Britney Spears’ trips in and out of rehab and her self-shearing and you can’t figure out why her ex-husband with whom she presently has joint custody of their kids would want to rush into court?
You’ve got me seriously worried, CNN, that tomorrow I’ll wake up to find you missing and Fox News parading around with exclusive pictures of you passed out in your own vomit outside a club in Buckhead. Please let the celebrity news go or you leave us no choice but to check you into the Edward R. Murrow Center for Wayward News Agencies.